It has been close to a week that I found out I lost our newest little bundle. We are going to get a bit real for a minute... This most likely won't have the cute pictures of Sprout but that is okay. This is what is going on in my life right now and I need to share it.
MISCARRIAGE SUCKS!!!!! MISCARRIAGE SUCKS!!!!! MISCARRIAGE SUCKS!!!!!
You know when you hear the work miscarriage you think bleeding. When I hear Miscarriage I laugh at that image and cry a little on the inside. I wish I was bleeding right now. I guess I am but not enough... I would call it spotting. I am so sick of spotting on and off all day. I am tired of acting like a crazy person from all of these hormones running through my body with no benefit of a new baby.
Every time I stop spotting it is just another reminder that I have not finished my process. It is another delay of me getting back to normal. My Dr. is amazing and said this could take some time for it to happen. I know I am just being impatient. But I no longer get to have a childhood dream come true of being pregnant with my Best Friend. I don't get to feel the little flutters and whole belly rolls of a new baby. I never got to even hear a heartbeat let alone see it because I was too early.
You know when you want a baby you hear the statistics that 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. You never think you are going to be that 1. Some times I am perfectly fine and I believe I am good... then there are other times I just want to cry and scream in frustration. I ask myself all the time "Why did this happen to us?" "Did I do something wrong?" "Is there something I could have done to prevent this?" "What if I can't keep any more babies?" And then the rational side of the chimes in and says "There is nothing you did, could have done, should have done to prevent this. Most miscarriages happen because there is a chromosomal deformity. One that would be deadly to any baby outside of my uterus.
I am so ready to move on. I am over feeling Bi-Polar. I am ready to feel happy. I would love to be pregnant soon but I don't know if i can handle it at the moment. Maybe sometime this summer. But one thing is for sure my Dr. did tell me that as soon as I find out I am pregnant to call her and I get to become a human blood donation site. They will be keeping an eye on my hormone levels until I hit a cretin number and then it will be a lot of ultrasounds to keep an eye on the baby. I just see to have a knack of finding out I am expecting really really early. This next time I am kind of hoping I don't find out until I am at least 5 weeks along because by then they would only need to wait a week to see the baby.
So as depressing as this was I am really glad to get this off my chest. I hope that by sharing my journey this will help many of the other women out there that are going through the same thing. I don't want to hide what I am going through. I want to be able to help people and if only one person out there say "HEY I feel the same way! I am not alone in feeling this way." Don't worry my happy posts about Sprout will be coming back soon! I think the next one will be her Birthday party prep... Things that I have finished already.
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