Let's get real for a minute.

It has been close to a week that I found out I lost our newest little bundle. We are going to get a bit real for a minute... This most likely won't have the cute pictures of Sprout but that is okay. This is what is going on in my life right now and I need to share it.

MISCARRIAGE SUCKS!!!!! MISCARRIAGE SUCKS!!!!! MISCARRIAGE SUCKS!!!!!

You know when you hear the work miscarriage you think bleeding. When I hear Miscarriage I laugh at that image and cry a little on the inside. I wish I was bleeding right now. I guess I am but not enough... I would call it spotting. I am so sick of spotting on and off all day. I am tired of acting like a crazy person from all of these hormones running through my body with no benefit of a new baby.

Every time I stop spotting it is just another reminder that I have not finished my process. It is another delay of me getting back to normal. My Dr. is amazing and said this could take some time for it to happen.  I know I am just being impatient. But I no longer get to have a childhood dream come true of being pregnant with my Best Friend. I don't get to feel the little flutters and whole belly rolls of a new baby. I never got to even hear a heartbeat let alone see it because I was too early.

You know when you want a baby you hear the statistics that 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. You never think you are going to be that 1. Some times I am perfectly fine and I believe I am good... then there are other times I just want to cry and scream in frustration. I ask myself all the time "Why did this happen to us?" "Did I do something wrong?" "Is there something I could have done to prevent this?" "What if I can't keep any more babies?" And then the rational side of the chimes in and says "There is nothing you did, could have done, should have done to prevent this. Most miscarriages happen because there is a chromosomal deformity. One that would be deadly to any baby outside of my uterus.

I am so ready to move on. I am over feeling Bi-Polar. I am ready to feel happy. I would love to be pregnant soon but I don't know if i can handle it at the moment. Maybe sometime this summer.  But one thing is for sure my Dr. did tell me that as soon as I find out I am pregnant to call her and I get to become a human blood donation site. They will be keeping an eye on my hormone levels until I hit a cretin number and then it will be a lot of ultrasounds to keep an eye on the baby. I just see to have a knack of finding out I am expecting really really early. This next time I am kind of hoping I don't find out until I am at least 5 weeks along because by then they would only need to wait a week to see the baby.

So as depressing as this was I am really glad to get this off my chest. I hope that by sharing my journey this will help many of the other women out there that are going through the same thing. I don't want to hide what I am going through. I want to be able to help people and if only one person out there say "HEY I feel the same way! I am not alone in feeling this way." Don't worry my happy posts about Sprout will be coming back soon!  I think the next one will be her Birthday party prep... Things that I have finished already.

A very sad day.

It is with great sadness that I am adding this intro. As of 01/23/2015 my HGC (Pregnancy Hormone) levels have dropped. Which means I am miscarrying. My heart is breaking and questioning why this is happening. I do not feel right to just delete this post and not share what is going on in our life. Sprout is a big sister. Her sibling is just not here on earth with us any more. I was pregnant there is no denying that. And I want to acknowledge this baby.

 There are a few things going through my mind right now.
1. Miscarriage is very common. 1 in 3 pregnancies end in a miscarriage.
2. I feel like I knew there was something not totally right from pretty much the beginning. I had a "period" at the beginning of January.... while I was pregnant. They also said my numbers were on the low side from the start.
3. Most miscarriages happen because the baby is not viable and/or there is something wrong.

So in the next few days I will start the miscarriage process and I know it will be painful both physically and emotionally. As This happens I will be leaning on my parents, family and friends the most. I will most likely withdraw for a while from life. But it won't be long I do have a toddler that needs all my attention and 99.9% of my energy. Life will move on. This will get easier to deal with. I have an AMAZING support system to fall on and they will do anything for me that I need.

So here we go with the post....

With Sprout's 2nd Birthday quickly approaching , it is a busy time in our lives! So what better to do in our busy lives then ADD ANOTHER BABY!!! (Insert all kinds of happy music) That is right! Cody and I are so excited to announce Sprout is going to be a BIG SISTER! My estimated due date is September 16, 2015! Although that could easily change.

As I am typing this on January 19th I am somewhere between 4-6 weeks. There is a really big confusion about how far along I really am. Within the next 2 weeks I will have my dating ultrasound. I am very anxious about this. I have had some spotting with this pregnancy and I did not have that with Sprout. I am also already deemed high risk because of Sprout. She had IUGR (Inner Uterine Growth Restriction) and is why she was stopped growing in me at 37 weeks and why I was put in an induction when my body was not ready and lead to my C-section. I am also high risk because when I am pregnant my blood pressure skyrockets! But it will also then drop back down to a normal range so they can never give me blood pressure medication.

So far I do not have to many symptoms. I have days where I have morning sickness (Which lasts all stinking day!) I feel so bad for ladies that have it every day! I am so useless when I have it. I am starting to get more tired now, which I expected since last time I would sleep 11-12 hours a night! Sadly I do not get to have the pleasure of doing that again. Oh and I am going to the bathroom more already but that is expected!

I am so excited for this baby! Sprout is going to make an AMAZING big sister! She is already such a little mother hen. She always is carrying a baby, stuffed animal. something around the house! She also likes to use the newborn diapers I have been buying for a while now as diapers for her baby! By the time this baby is born I bet she will be a pro! I think she also already gets that there is a baby in me! She gives the baby kisses and hugs before she goes to sleep for the night! How sweet is that!

I have decided I am going to take you guys along with my on my journey of my second pregnancy! Every week I will do an update. I will be taking weekly pictures and I will also answer the flowing questions:

How Far Along: 

Weight Gain/Loss:

Sleep:

Best Moment This Week:

Movement:

Food Cravings/Aversions: 

What I Miss: 

Stretch Marks:  

Belly Button:  

Wedding Rings:  

Mood: 

Labor Signs:  

Milestones: 

Gender:

Upcoming Appointments/Events: 

What I look forward to: 

Weekly Wisdom: 

My greatest wish will be to have a healthy pregnancy with no major complications. I will have to have a c-section sadly but I have made my peace with it and it is what it is. I want a healthy baby. It does not matter to me what gender they are. As long as they are healthy I am good. Oh and just so you know until we find out gender I will be calling the baby they when I am talking about them. To call the baby and it is just strange to me and I will not do it! I really wish I would have documented my first pregnancy like I plan on doing it this time around. I would be able to remember more of that time!